I met an engaged woman last night, a friend of my sister. As she described several planning challenges she and her fiance have already had, I felt like an old sage, experienced. Oh, I had so many things to say to warn her, to encourage her. But she never asked, and I *try* not to give unsolicited advice. So instead, I'll write my thoughts here. I don't pretend to know anything about marriage yet, but weddings.... oh weddings....I have learned a thing or two about them now.
The most valuable step in planning our wedding was deciding if and why we were going to have one. When we went to the County Clerk to pick up our marriage license, we watched about four couples get married on the spot while we waited. Obviously, you don't have to have a wedding to get married. Now, neither Husband nor I are shoppers at heart. We aren't party people, except in our own dorky way. And honestly, I am kind of shy with big groups of people. So why would we put ourselves through months of shopping to plan a big party with lots of people?!?!?
We decided to have a wedding out of respect for the traditions of our faith community and a desire to include our family and friends in the sacredness and celebration of our vows to each other.
It was not really about us.
Of course, the wedding honored and celebrated our love and commitment, and we got to do a lot of things we wanted to do on that day. But for us, it really came down to my mom's deep desire to making sure that all the table clothes were ironed thoroughly.... my dad choking up when we started to walk down the aisle.... the many people who were challenged by the pastor's homily on forgiveness.... Husband's dad & mom dancing with each other despite all her health concerns.... our friends' laughter....... We actually wanted it to be about others, our friends and family and Someone bigger than all of us.
I had to remind myself about that on the days when planning a wedding felt like a gauntlet.... if we just got to the end without getting knocked around too badly or running someone over, we would be allowed to be married and go back to quiet lives. But we *chose* to have a wedding in addition to getting married. We *chose* to bring all that craziness on ourselves for the joy of seeing those we love included. When I was able to remember that was our reasoning, it put all the unimportant details in their proper place.
It was truly a privilege...
one I'm grateful for...
and one I'm thankful has ended!
PS. The episode of The Office in which Jim & Pam get married really makes this point clear. I'd recommend it for any engaged couple who won't be offend by the inappropriateness of the show in general.
